Things We Aren't Allowed to Say
by PrimeEmily135
Summary: Society and Culture have always had a hand in telling us who we can and cannot love. That doesn't stop us from feeling the way that we feel. However, it can impede our ability to admit it, even to ourselves. "Ravagers" series (17)


**Hey! I've been holding onto this one for a while now, but I felt like now might be a good time to post it. I know most of my readers were expecting "Come Home" to be posted next, and it's coming soon, but I just wanted to give you all something while you waited :) enjoy!**

 **Things we aren't allowed to say: Society and Culture have always had a hand in telling us who we can and cannot love. That doesn't stop us from feeling the way that we feel. However, it can impede our ability to admit it, even to ourselves. "Ravagers" series.**

(Esmerelda)

My tent felt a bit stuffy. Well, more so than normal.

Looking around it, it was really no surprise. The street cleaners had gone by today, stirring up the dust and dirt. It always clung to the carpet like drapes of my tent. I'd have to beat it out in the morning. It was business hours: late evening, when the drunks and young curious teenagers were about. Every few minutes someone would pop in to have their fortune told, some of them accompanied by very skeptical bystanders. I didn't mind too much. They were right to be skeptical. There are very few people in the universe who actually have the powers that I advertise. You really never know when someone is legit.

Well, stuffiness aside the night was proceeding very well. Many fares were to be had, and no horrific images blasted through my mind's eyes that would keep me up when I went to sleep. Someone from the mob came in, but he wanted to know if he should leave it all behind and run away with a girl he had met sometime back. He was nervous about the decision because they were of two different races. He was Kree, and she was Achernonian. I told him to go for it and not let their differences be something that holds them back. I also let him know that if he acted quickly he would get married and settle someplace safe within the current year. He left much happier than when he arrived.

It was nearing the end of my open hours when a man in a hood came in. I went on alert, gripping my blaster that was strapped to the underside of the table as he sat down. People who hid their faces when they came to see me usually wanted their identities hidden for one of two reasons. One, they were embarrassed to be seen with me. Or two, they wanted to harm/kill/take me hostage. I had dealt with the second one more times than the first. Every time it happened I had to jump planet. I just barely got settled! I didn't want to have to move again.

The man was of an average height, standing no taller than I was. Under the hood I could see the hint of a frown, but not much else. His hands were clenched into fists on his lap, and his left leg bounced up and down with a nervous energy. His aura reeked of anger, pain, bitter self-loathing, and a desperate desire. A _need_ might be more accurate. He _needed_ the answer to whatever his question might be. Badly.

"Welcome," I said with a smile, relaxing back into my chair as I moved away from my blaster. Something told me this man would not respond well to a threat of violence. Maybe it was the scars on his hands, or the red of his cloak, but something about him screamed trained fighter. "I am Esmerelda. Reader of Auras. Teller of Fortunes. Ask me anything of your future, and I will give you the answers that you seek."  
The man's nervous movement stilled, and he looked down at his hands as he clasped them together. "It ain't my future I'm worried about." He said quietly, "It's my present." He shifted in his chair, facing me fully. In the dim light I could still only see the outline of his chin and lips.

"Hmm.. And what is it about your present that you are concerned about?" I asked, mildly interested. Not many people came to me for help with the here and now. Many were more worried about what would happen in the future. Like the Kree man that came in earlier. He wanted an answer of the present, because he was worried about the future. This man I could tell was different.

He laughed a small huff of breath as he scratched his chin. "Well, ya see, I was kinda hoping you could tell me that. I've got an inkling of an idea of what it is, I just want it confirmed or disproven. I've been having an internal struggled about it for a few months now, and I just want to know why."

I smiled sadly, an act I had learned to put on ages ago. "I'm sorry. I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. I see into people's futures, not their minds. I'm not Telepathic."

"Ah," he smiled, "but you're Empathic, and that's what I need."

I shook my head, standing up quickly. "I'm sorry, you have me confused with someone else-"

"Bullsh*t!" he growled, a sound that had me frozen in place. "I did my research on you Esmerelda. I know what you are, and I know what you've done. The only difference between me and the authorities is that I found you, and I only want you to answer a question for me."

I bit my tongue, unsure what to do. This is half of what I was afraid of. I kept my Empathy to myself because people tried to use it to gain power. It's amazing what terrible things one can do if they only know how people feel. Empathy for me is like painting a picture. By reading someone's emotions I can see into their memories like looking inside a window. It is a bridge into Telepathy, but I don't delude myself into believing I will ever have that kind of power. When I was a young girl I was used for my abilities. I helped to do many terrible things. And apparently, this man knew about it…

"What is it you want to know?" I asked bluntly, my showmanship completely dissolving. There's no point in acting a part if someone already knows your story.

" _What_ am I feeling?"

The question shouldn't have come so much as a surprise considering he wanted me for my Empathic abilities. However, the way he said it had me stunned. He sounded terrified. His aura, which I had picked up on earlier, turned completely desperate. He needed this. It was eating him up not knowing.

I nodded, sitting back down. "Alright then," I moved some things off of the table and took a second to smooth out my skirt. "Give me your hand and we will find out." He hesitated for only a second before reaching across the table. I took his hand in both of mine, noting the roughness of his palm. He was also very warm. I sighed, expecting to have sweaty hands by the end of this.

Closing my eyes, I started to move towards his emotional boarders. Every being has them. It is why someone's mood can effect another's so easily. Like when you pass a smiling stranger on a crowded street, and you feel just a little bit happier. Or when someone glares at you as they pass by and you feel irritated or hurt. That is the transference of emotion from one being to another. This man's barriers were violent, perhaps trained to be after years of abuse. It took a few minutes to get past this outward façade and into the deeper emotions past it.

 _Lonely. He was very lonely. Alone in a galaxy filled with people. My mental painting began with two small blue orbs.  
Angry. Most of it was redirected, but it was very prominent. He was angry at the galaxy. Angry with life. Angry with himself. A splash of black was added to the canvas.  
Embarrassment. He was embarrassed to be here now. Embarrassed that he could not solve his problems on his own. Streaks of light brown and pink.  
Frustration. He was full of it. It was the product of his conflicting thoughts. Golden yellow filled the scene.  
Jealousy. When he saw what he could never have. Dark green.  
Yearning. When he wished he could be something else. Someone else. _Anyone _else. Orange, silver, and blue.  
Passion. The emotion that fueled his rage when things went wrong. When people were in danger. Red. _Ravager _red.  
_ The scene was starting to take shape. This was the point where things could get confusing.  
 _Hopeful yet hopeless. Torn constantly between the two. A constant grey scale added to the backdrop.  
Self-loathing. How could anyone see him as anything other than what he presented? It was his fault no one knew him. Value was added next, giving the picture some depth and perspective.  
Protective. He was protective of his family. His old one, and his knew one. No matter what, he would take care of them. The edges of objects became more defined, signifying the nearing end of my mental picture.  
Affection. Something rarely shown, but desperate to be. Sharp lines became softer.  
Fear._

I didn't need to dig any further. The picture was crystal clear now.

I opened my eyes to find him staring at me in silence. From my angle I could just make out his face and things started to make sense. There were only a few things that could involve all of that emotional torment. Two to be exact. I had a feeling he knew which of the two it was but was having trouble accepting it.

"Well? What do you got?" he asked, keeping incredibly still. I don't think he was even breathing. He was so tense. I can imagine the discomfort he was feeling. No one likes to have their emotions stripped apart in front of them. It makes them feel naked.

I sighed, the breath feeling heavy in my chest. The residual emotions from him were bringing me down. I could only imagine what it was like to be him every day. He was torn apart because he couldn't distinguish his own emotions! _What would someone have to go through for that to happen to them?_ "You are…a complicated person."  
The man shook his head. "You just gonna sit there and tell me things I already know, or are you gonna answer my question?"

I sighed, feeling the agitated walls of his personality start to reform around him. He was not happy. "Well, from what I can see…" I started, carefully choosing my next words. "You are torn between two emotions that you feel towards a certain person. A woman, if I saw correctly. The truth is that you only feel one way about her, but due to societal pressures you are persuading yourself into thinking that it is something else. You are subduing your feelings of affection towards her and telling yourself it is only lust. No- you have _convinced_ yourself it must be lust. But, no matter how much you tell yourself that, it won't change how you actually feel about her. What I felt from you could only be two things: Love, or hate. The two are very closely intertwined. Perhaps you are actually feeling both? Perhaps you are hating yourself for the way you feel about her."

"And why would I do that?"

I smiled sadly, having seen this scenario a dozen times. "Because she is much younger than you." He didn't make a move to deny it. He looked down at his hands and clenched his teeth, his aura reeking of shame. "Sir, if I can be blunt, age doesn't matter. Well-" I amended quickly, "-as long as it is within legal parameters." I shook myself, not really wanting to go down that train of thought too far. "The point I'm trying to make is: You shouldn't let what other's think of you get in the way of what you want to do with your life. Others should not have influence over who you can and cannot love. If you two were closer in age would it bother you so much?"

He shook his head, "No."

"Then it shouldn't matter. The only reason it bothers you is because you are living in fear of what others will think."

"I couldn't give less sh*t about what other people think of me." He growled. "It's what they'd think of _her_ that bothers me. She ain't some sleazy girl looking for her _sugardaddy_. She's smart, determined, and independent. She knows what she wants outta life. And…" he growled again. "There ain't no way in hell she wants me."

"Don't you think you should let her decide that? You said she knows what she wants, but she might not know what options are available to her if you don't say _anything_." I reasoned.

"What do you suggest I do? Tell her I'm some sort of sap for her? Ha! That won't go over very well…" He stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. "What am I supposed to say? 'Layla, I think you're the only person I've been able to tolerate in my lifetime?' 'I think about you every night before I sleep whether I realize it or not?' 'I can't hire prostitutes anymore because they just don't do it for me after meeting you?' 'Every time I see you in the halls I want to grab your a**?' I ain't exactly _great_ with words."  
He huffed, shoulders heaving as a sense of anger rolled through him. "Thanks for nothing." He snapped, heading for the tent flaps. "I won't tell the authorities where I found you…"

I felt a bit relieved at that, but his words nagged at me. If he only understood! It didn't matter what he said now, in the moment he would know what to say, if he only tried! I sighed, fingers pressed to my temples as I tried to think of some parting wisdom to give him that he might head. In the end, I came up blank. I couldn't help the man if he didn't truly want to help himself. "Well, I wish I could say it was a pleasure working with you…" He looked back at me for the briefest of moments, in which time I leveled him with my most stone-like stare. "…Captain Udonta."

He paused at the sound of his name, matching my gaze with equal intensity. But, in the end, he slipped out quietly back into the bustling night life. I followed his path after a second had gone by, standing in the opening of my tent as I watched him walk away. For a while he looked like just another person in the crowds. I was about to go back inside when he suddenly bumped into the woman from his mind. He pulled back his hood, giving her a snarky smile as she punched his arm in a friendly fashion. I could see it in his aura that the minute he saw her he could see nothing else. Not the bustling streets, or the constantly shouting food vendors. Not the stray animals, or the dirty atmosphere. When he saw her, she became everything.

"He's a fool." I sighed, closing my tent flaps for the evening. I needed to eat something and hurry to bed before the sun started coming up. I had plenty of work to be done tomorrow before opening my shop again-

- _"Don't let go!"_ I gasped, feeling the vision overtake my mind. _Two figures amidst a battle struggled on the edge of a cliff. One dangled precariously over the edge as the other tried to pull them up. "Don't you f*cking let go!"_

 _"I'm not going to take you down with me!"_

I blinked, the vision fading away as suddenly as it had come. My heart felt heavy, having not only seen but felt what was going to happen. It's not a very pleasant combination to be both Empathic and Psychic. _So much for getting sleep tonight_ … I sighed, moving again to prepare myself some dinner.


End file.
